With apologies to Buddy Holly and Don Mclean
(If you don't know the tune already, give up)
by Randall Bart barticus@usa.net
[INTRO]
A short, short time to go,
I can still remember
How computers used to make me smile.
I knew that with a dozen nerds,
And drive space of 10 gigawords,
I'd make the big boss happy for a while.
But January makes me shiver,
With each old app I deliver,
Data that is screwed up,
Systems that won't boot up.
I don't know if I'll laugh or cry,
With open mouth and saucer eyes,
When jobs abend on each retry,
The day the software dies.
0, 0, this software won't go.
Should have hired a bunch of coders
While the rates were still low.
Them Cobol nerds are dunking donuts in joe,
Singing we're gonna fix double-0
We're gonna make lots of dough.
[VERSE 1]
Did you write this buggy code,
And do you have faith to make it load,
And run without the mainframe going halt?
Do you believe we'll remediate,
And find ev'ry six digit date,
And can you teach me how to write Cobalt?
Well I know you've been writing games,
And hate to come back to mainframes,
You burned up all your ties,
Man I dig you crazy guys.
I'm a lonely middle age PHM,
With a real PC from IBM,
But I know that won't impress Them,
The day the software dies.
I'll be singing
0, 0, this software won't go.
Should have hired a bunch of coders
While the rates were still low.
Them Cobol nerds are dunking donuts in joe,
Singing we're gonna fix double-0
We're gonna make lots of dough.
[VERSE 2]
Now for ten years you have been downsized
Pushed around and trivialized
But that's not how it's going to be.
You jesters think you're Queens and Kings
Now you start demanding things
That before you wouldn't ask of me.
And when systems come crashing down,
The King Geek claims his rightful crown.
He's wearing ragged clothes
No dress code is imposed.
A newbie reads a Cobol book,
And says he's got us off the hook,
But he don't yet know where to look,
The day the software dies.
We'll be singin'
0, 0, this software won't go.
Should have hired a bunch of coders
While the rates were still low.
Them Cobol nerds are dunking donuts in joe,
Singing we're gonna fix double-0
We're gonna make lots of dough.
[VERSE 3]
Helter-skelter run for shelter,
Scots will freeze while Aussies swelter,
Eighty volts and fallin' fast.
Riots in a blacked out town,
Global networks tumblin' down,
Wond'ring if society will last.
The basement air is smelling rank,
Filled with cubies cold and dank.
They're trying to write jewels,
But they never got the tools.
Cause the testers tried a time machine
But darkness fell on every screen.
Do you expect bugs unforeseen,
The day the software dies.
We're singin'
0, 0, this software won't go.
Should have hired a bunch of coders
While the rates were still low.
Them Cobol nerds are dunking donuts in joe,
Singing we're gonna fix double-0
We're gonna make lots of dough.
[VERSE 4]
The directors gathered in one room,
To talk about impending doom,
With no time left to start again.
So come on, Nerd be clever, Nerd be slick,
We'll pay big bucks if you can pull this trick,
Cause money is the bosses' only friend.
And as I watch the hour near
My eyes are shut to what I fear.
No MBA from Yale,
Can balance this GL.
With programs failing left and right,
The geeks are working day and night,
Logging OT hours with delight,
The day the software dies.
And I'm singin'
0, 0, this software won't go.
Should have hired a bunch of coders
While the rates were still low.
Them Cobol nerds are dunking donuts in joe,
Singing we're gonna fix double-0
We're gonna make lots of dough.
[OUTRO]
I met a suit from world HQ
I asked him for the global view
But he just scowled and turned away.
I called my favorite body shop
Whose calls I swore would never stop
But the man there said our pay scale wouldn't play.
And in the halls the users scream,
Accountants cry and tellers scheme.
The truth must not be spoken,
The software all is broken.
The languages we hate to see,
Fortran, Bal and RPG,
Are headed for catastrophe,
The day the software dies.
And we'll be moanin'
0, 0, this software won't go.
Should have hired a bunch of coders
While the rates were still low.
Them Cobol nerds are dunking donuts in joe,
Singing we're gonna fix double-0
We're gonna make lots of dough.
0, 0, this software won't go.
Should have hired a bunch of coders
While the rates were still low.
Them Cobol nerds are dunking donuts in joe,
Singing you're gonna pay us more dough.